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Im Sober and My Spouse Is Not Marriage and Sobriety

Ted worked to rebuild Angie’s trust and diligently worked the 12 steps in his AA program. Eventually, they remarried each other and Ted is now 12 years sober. “I didn’t even think about having a drink at my daughter’s wedding,” he proudly tells me. “I want a sincere apology for the devastating pain you have caused me. I want to believe somehow that it won’t happen again. I want to know the unknowable.” Those are the answers I wish my wife had given when I asked her what more she wanted from me when I quit drinking.

But she didn’t share that answer because she didn’t understand it, either. To Sheri, my commitment to sobriety was like promising not to pour gasoline on the charred remains of our house after it had already burned to the ground. Sometimes you don’t get to rebound from disaster. When my wife was still frustrated, untrusting, and sad in my early sobriety, it made me angry. I could only see that which was right in front of me. My sacrifice—the challenge I faced to stay sober—that was an effort worth supporting and celebrating.

Reasons why people stay with romantic partners who live with addiction

But since my alcoholic apologies came with a guarantee for more pain in the future, Sheri had deflected them, pushed the pain deep down inside and tried to move on. Assigning the hope of possible change to my apologies could only end in additional marriage changes after sobriety pain. Hope and vulnerability are not options for the spouse of an active alcoholic. Self-preservation does not afford the luxury of trust. In addictions counseling I frequently hear outrage that, “My partner still doesn’t trust me!

The culture shock, strains of a new marriage, being so far removed from family and familiarity, and the job… oh my God, the job. Sure, the hangovers sucked and made working life increasingly difficult, but it seemed like a small price to pay for grabbing life by the horns. My husband and I had never spent more than a couple of weeks physically together before he moved halfway across the world to be with and marry, me.

Can you successfully date a recovering alcoholic or drug addict?

Ask him if he had more time, if that would help him make his decision. The couple are now healthy and feeling well; Ms. Hartman said her scans show she is cancer-free. And through it all, their “love plant” has also flourished. As Morgan Hartman and Phillip de Amezola supported each through personal health crises, their relationship and a “love plant” flourished. We had survived alcoholism and faced the extreme likelihood of our marriage dissolving in sobriety. We were trying to get better, and everything was getting worse.

  • If you or your spouse are in recovery, you may hope to go back to the way things were before.
  • I spent too much money and had nothing to show for it so he had to hide money to make sure the bills got paid.
  • Recovery is an incredibly difficult time and is often accompanied by feelings of shame and depression.

It’s likely that spouses will go through times when they question whether their marriage can endure sobriety. There are still difficulties to be overcome, but by being aware https://ecosoberhouse.com/ of the dangers, spouses can cooperate to do so. Ted had been to rehab several times but relapsed after a few months when he didn’t follow through with his treatment plan.

Tips to Heal a Marriage Hurt by Addiction

While it’s important to be supportive, it’s also important to maintain your own sense of self-worth and independence. No couple is perfect, and adding addiction recovery to the mix can put your relationship under considerable strain. Couples therapy can be hugely valuable to even the healthiest of relationships, so why not when you are going through addiction recovery together?

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